Of Marriage and Madness
by SSSRHA
Summary: "So Lady Tsunade really doesn't know that I'm dating Naruto and you're dating Sakura?" In which Sasuke and Hinata are betrothed and everyone's happy...except the couple and their respective significant others. [One-shot, half-crack-fic, fluff, AU, OOCness, SasuSaku, NaruHina, Sasuke Hinata and Naruto Sakura friendships]


**Sasuke and** Hinata's wedding day was amazing...for everyone except them. When they first found out that they were betrothed and to be married, it was a week before the day of the marriage.

"Betrothed?!" Sasuke hissed. "Why was I never informed of this?!"

Tsunade shrugged. "It was on my to-do list. I just never really got around to doing it."

"And how long have we been betrothed?" Hinata asked.

"Since you lost the title of clan heir to your sister."

"...that long?"

Tsunade nodded. "Yep. Now go do couple things or whatever."

Sasuke had a panicked look in his eyes. "But Lady-"

"Out."

"I'm trying-"

"Shut up and get out."

Face red, Sasuke Uchiha stalked out of the office and down to the lobby, Hinata following at a much slower pace. After a few minutes of silence, she said, "So Lady Tsunade really doesn't know that I'm dating Naruto and you're dating Sakura?"

"Apparently not."

"What are we going to do?"

"Tell them the bad news and drown our sorrows in alcohol."

"...I'm down for it."

So that will probably give you a picture of how their wedding went. Everyone was happy...except them. And Naruto and Sakura, of course.

For their wedding night, Sasuke and Hinata climbed on opposite sides of the bed, sleeping as far away from each other as possible, while mentally sobbing because this was _not_ how they wanted to get married.

Naruto and Sakura were drunk at a bar...also married. It was a split-second decision, they got everything worked out at the courthouse, and now they had to figure out the reason that they did it in the first place.

"So...why'd we get married?"

"Because Sasuke and Hinata are married."

"I don't follow."

"Look, you and Hinata were already basically married and so were Sasuke and I."

"How do you have such perfect grammar even when you're drunk?"

"Don't know, now listen. Since all four of us are married, no sane person will put the moves on us."

"...okay?"

"And you can 'cheat' on me with Hinata and I'll 'cheat' on you with Sasuke. I doubt anyone will care, really. Well, out of the four of us, at least."

"Are you sure? Sasuke and Hinata were raised in pretty strict clans. They might be uncomfortable."

"The poor saps are uncomfortable with their marriage. All four of us are good friends, anyway, and no one will suspect a thing."

"Until either you or Hinata get pregnant, in which case either me or Sasuke have to act extremely offended."

"That's why we're going to be _extra_ sure that none of us have kids."

"...I've always kind of wanted kids. You know, a family."

" _Then thou shalt adopt."_

"O-Okay. But won't people get suspicious when Sasuke and Hinata don't have kids? I mean, one of Sasuke's goals was always restoring his clan."

"...ugh. What _are_ we going to do about that?"

"We could say he's asexual."

"But wouldn't that also ruin his image? The Last Uchiha being asexual?"

"If you've got a better idea, I'd love to hear it."

"How about Hinata being infertile? No, wait, damn it. There are hospital records proving otherwise."

"...would it be so hard to assume that they just don't want kids?"

"They're members of ancient and traditional clans."

"And they've been raised in the modern era. They can just say they don't want kids."

"That...might actually work. Okay, I think we've got a good strategy."

 _ **Meanwhile at the awkward and silent Uchiha-Hyuuga household:**_

" **...Sasuke, you're** hogging the blanket."

"Oh," was the awkward reply. "Sorry."

"Sasuke, I can't sleep."

"Neither can I."

"I'm going to go drink some tea."

"You know what, so am I."

And so Sasuke Uchiha and Hinata Hyuuga sat awkwardly across from each other, neither of them saying a word. Finally, Hinata spoke up. "Naruto and Sakura didn't come to the wedding."

"I don't blame them."

"Do they hate us?"

"I doubt it. Sakura's been chasing me for far too long to just give up on me now, and Naruto is...Naruto."

"Good point." More silence. "The wedding was very pretty, though."

Sasuke smirked at this. "We might have only been given a week, but we threw together something exceptional, didn't we?"

"That we did," Hinata said, raising her cup of tea for a toast. "Rushed or not, and Uchiha and Hyuuga always get the job done." Sasuke chuckled and raised his, too.

"I'll be honest, though, I always expected my wedding to be in a field of cherry blossom trees, right at blooming season...for obvious reasons."

Hinata nodded. "And I expected that the only thing served at my wedding would be ramen. The dango was rather nice, though."

Sasuke sighed and closed his eyes. "I was supposed to be the best man at your wedding, not the groom."

Hinata shrugged. "Can't do anything now, can we? Say, you didn't have a best man, did you?"

"No, the wedding was too last-minute. Just getting the decorations set up and invitations out was a nightmare."

"Same reason I didn't have bridesmaids. The wedding dress alone took way too long to make, and a Hyuuga wedding dress is always top quality."

"I can't help but wonder what Sakura would have looked like in that wedding dress. You looked nice in it, but Sakura-"

"Would look down-right gorgeous, the same way Naruto would in your tux." They both sighed. Finally, "Sasuke Uchiha, it seems that we're married. The vows at the ceremony didn't seem appropriate, so I have come up with my own."

Sasuke leaned back, eyebrows raised. "And they are?"

"Do you promise to never make a move on me with the understanding that I will never make a move on you?"

"I do."

"Do you promise to not make this more awkward than it has to be?"

"I do."

"Do you promise to be a stable life partner who will do half of the household duties while understanding that I will do the other half?"

"'Stable life partner'?"

"I mean mentally stable. If this turns into an abusive relationship or you end up insane like most every other Uchiha out there, I'm out of here faster than Lord Fourth, consequences be damned."

"Then you've got nothing to worry about. I do."

"And do you always and forever promise to be a good friend and roommate?"

"I do."

"As do I. Now, by the power vested in me, I solemnly declare us two good friends that had the distinct misfortune of being betrothed."

"...hooray."

"Love the enthusiasm."

 _ **Meanwhile, back at the bar:**_

" **So we** just ambush them?"

"Basically."

"Isn't breaking into someone's house illegal?"

"We're not breaking in, Sasuke gave us keys to his house, remember?"

"They're at Sasuke's house?"

"Where else would they be?"

"...good point."

"Okay, let's go!"

"Wait, I just had a horrifying realization. Is Hinata's last name Uchiha now?"

"...don't know, actually. I hate it, too."

"And what about you?"

"I kept my last name the same, remember? It's perfectly legal. In fact, my mother's last name isn't Haruno, she never changed it."

"Huh."

 _ **Twenty minutes later at the Uchiha-Hyuuga household:**_

" **...and then** Sakura almost punched the guy in the face and I was so proud," Sasuke said, barely covering up his laughter. Hinata giggled.

"That sounds just like Sakura. Oh, did I tell you about this time when Naruto got so drunk that he couldn't walk straight?"

Mirth glinted in Sasuke's eyes. "Oh, do tell."

"Well, he kept walking into walls so I had to drop him off at his house. I stayed until he fell asleep." Her smile softened. "His last words before he went to bed were 'I love you, Hina-chan'."

"You two are adorable together."

"Thanks, and you and Sakura work surprisingly well together."

"Surprising because I used to be a rogue ninja who almost killed her on multiple occasions?" Sasuke asked darkly. The atmosphere in the room suddenly went cold, but Hinata didn't seem affected.

"No, surprising because, despite everything and everyone, you still love each other."

"...ugh, you're so nice it's _suffocating."_

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You know, I-"

And that's when the door burst open and two shouts of "WE'RE HERE!" filled the air.

Hinata and Sasuke blinked. "Eh?"

Sasuke was suddenly captured in a hug from his pink-haired lover, an alcohol-induced flush on her cheeks. Naruto, meanwhile, started babbling nonsensically about something, also obviously drunk, while Hinata just stared at him.

"...and so that's why we're married, too!"

Silence. "...what?"

Sakura pulled back, suddenly feeling the need to explain. "It was kind of a last-moment decision. Naruto and I are technically married the same way you two are technically married. It's like a big 'Hands off!' sign. So Sasuke and I and Naruto and Hinata can be in a relationship in peace."

"I...fail to see why you had to get married," Sasuke said.

"I already _told_ you, it's-"

"It's already done and unless you want to go through the paperwork of divorce, everyone will have to live with it," Hinata interrupted.

"...well then. This has been a crazy day."

"Nah, it seems pretty normal for Team Seven."

"I'm not a member of Team Seven."

"Don't worry, Hinata! You're an honorary member!"

"...how wonderful."

 _ **Meanwhile, on the roof:**_

 **Kakashi sat,** Icha Icha in hand, listening to his students and Hinata bicker. _Well,_ he thinks, _love might not conquer all...but it comes pretty damn close._

 _Oh, Sosoyo just cornered Tatsumi. This should be fun._

 **THE END**

* * *

 **I will be honest, my favorite bits were the ones with Sasuke and Hinata. Trying to build a respectful and friendly relationship between them was fun. I might try to write some more Sasuke and Hinata friendships in the future. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my sudden bout of rainbows and sunshine and all that stuff.**

 **Remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review! This is SSSRHA, signing out!**


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